if looks could kill I would be an uzi

Last night we went to a bar, and I think I am the only person in the world not in the Christmas spirit. In fact, I was raining on everyone else’s hijinks too. But, to preface this, the guy totally deserved it. Ok, so we are sitting there, consuming internal sweaters and this dhu-runk older guy comes up to us. He starts talking to my friend and I just look away. This is what I do. There is no need to impede upon Mr. Drunk guy hitting on said friend. She can handle herself. So then Drunkie McDrunkerson (he was Scottish) insists on introducing himself to me. “What’s your name?” insert drunken hand shoved in my face. “Natasha.” “Mamasha?” “No, N as in Natasha.” “Mamasha?” “Yes fine. That’s my name. My mom had marbles in her mouth when she named me.” Insert me yanking my hand away from the over zealous drunk guy. He got the hint and went back to my friend. When he realized she wasn’t responding he staggered away. Ok, so now insert the guy that just makes me hope for Armageddon next week. And then I’ll go into my theory about him. This guy JUST witnessed the OG drunk guy strike out. Why he sauntered over, I will never know. But he makes his way towards us and goes into this whole “Hey man, what happened there? He had no game, huh?” Ok, at this point I’ve takes all I can takes and I can’t takes no more. “Why are you here?” “Well, I was just wondering why he left.” “Oh, do you mean the creepy drunk guy that had no chance whatsoever?” “Well, you didn’t need to shoot him down like that.” “Well, why don’t you two creepy ass drunk guys go conjure up a game plan over there? And when he starts creeping YOU out, then we can compare notes on how YOU left. Up until that time, you sir, also have no chance. Have a good night.” He walked away. Creepy drunk guys-0, Natasha’s verbal kick to the balls-2
Ok, so that may have been kinda harsh. But here is my theory on him. He is the guy that at 28…30…32…36 even was thinking to himself, “there is no way I’m going to settle down! I’m just going to sleep around and hit on girls at bars. And all my friends that got married are idiots. I get a hot girl every night.” Now, fast forward 20 or so years. He is alone, on a Sunday night at a bar frequented by people in their late twenties or early thirties. He honestly believes that he is amazing and hot and can still score. The sad fact remains that he cannot. All his friends that he made fun of are at home with their families during this holiday season. Possibly with children or grandchildren. This is more than a tragic tale. This is a Goofus and Gallant that is way more pertinent than “remember to not take the last apple.”