Hello (clear throat) hi (clear throat again) oh my, hello.
Sorry, I’m a bit nervous. I mean, I’ve never admitted it out loud. And though I’m sure my friends and family have all seen the signs, I never out right said what I am.
So how do you start these things again?
Hi, my name is Natasha. And I’m inappropriate.
I guess if I had to pin point a start, it would be second grade. I know, young right? Although looking back, I don’t think I knew what I was doing. I was naïve. In fact, I don’t think that when I started I was inappropriate at all, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have never gone on this downward spiral. But I was 8. Someone should have taken heed. The warning signs were all there. Saying things without thinking. Quieting a room. Making other people feel uncomfortable with what I said. I was textbook. Telling a teacher that” nobody else likes you, but I think you’re okay” should have been the beginning and the end of my dabbling. I guess it was amusing for others.
I think I put the kibosh on it for many years. Or, at least I was so wrapped up in the whole thing, I didn’t realize I was inappropriate. I think that’s scarier. For a period of time, I was actually very P.C. But then something happened and I went right back on the inappropriate bandwagon. It started minor again, with me telling a Hasidic Jew something so vulgar I feel ashamed to repeat it. I distinctly remember the faces of everyone at the table. It seemed funny at the time, but looking back, I now realize I was the only one laughing. Seems to be the story of my inappropriate life.
I didn’t realize I had gone back to full force until about two years ago. When one of my friends died I made a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ joke that I didn’t even realize I said until I heard the collection of groans. But that’s usually the way it happens. I black out while saying it and then come to during the aftermath.
I guess my light bulb moment happened last week, when I realized that if I want to live, I need to stop. My boss said something to the effect of “That little dog has a cute little collar. It’s all pink and fluffy on the inside and black on the outside.” To which I replied, “Aren’t we all that way though, really?” I don’t remember saying it! I don’t remember thinking it! I just remember her face. Her poor shocked face. As though I had slapped her. When I realized I had hit bottom, I just turned around and walked away. This is my last straw. This is my Everest. I cannot live my life like this anymore. I WONT live my life like this anymore. I don’t want to be another statistic; I want to come out on the other side! I choose LIFE!!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Say hello to the girl that I am, you're gonna have to see through my perspective
Being that I have to write an actual important thing, this is just a spew post.
Coffee is the only thing I NEED on a daily bases. Probably more than oxygen in some cases. It’s the only constant in my life.
Bluetooth makes people look insane. I know there have been many observations on this, but yesterday I was at work and a woman was inside and speaking on it and I kept responding…to her…but she wasn’t talking to me…she was wearing that stupid headpiece.
Upon further examination at the blue tooth debate, I may have looked more crazy trying to involve myself in a conversation that I obviously wasn’t a part of.
When people say, “Oh, I love that song!!!” and then attempt to sing and get the lyrics wrong, it drives me bonkers. So I start to sing their favorite song louder than them to correct the lyrics and help them follow along to the song they love. I also do this at karaoke to help the singers. I’m very popular.
I don’t worry about the present, I worry about the future. Like five years from now. It gives me anxiety attacks. I get anxiety attacks about my future mortgage payments and what school to get my, as of yet, unscheduled and un-had children in. Knowing that this is stupid and irrational doesn’t help anything. Please pass the paper bag.
I check my email and what not periodically throughout the day. If someone JUST sent an email as I’m going through my checking in phase, I debate if I should respond so I don’t look too finicky or eager.
When I was in middle school, I was voted class clown. (Didn’t see that one coming, huh?) My mother was so disappointed that she went to my school to attempt to change the title to something like, “Funny Girl.” It didn’t fly, so my mom didn’t allow me to be the class clown. And the original male class clown had just gotten expelled for…wait for it…wait for it…peeing in the corner of Foods class with Mrs. Tutt. So both of the OG class clowns had stepped down. They had to do a recount. I think about that a lot. My mom was much happier when in high school I was voted most likely to appear on Saturday Night Live. There was no debate there
I listen to “guilty pleasure” music without an ounce of guilt and with the utmost of pleasure.
I procrastinate and write other things rather than write what I need to read in front of 300 people. Natasha…go write what is important…
Coffee is the only thing I NEED on a daily bases. Probably more than oxygen in some cases. It’s the only constant in my life.
Bluetooth makes people look insane. I know there have been many observations on this, but yesterday I was at work and a woman was inside and speaking on it and I kept responding…to her…but she wasn’t talking to me…she was wearing that stupid headpiece.
Upon further examination at the blue tooth debate, I may have looked more crazy trying to involve myself in a conversation that I obviously wasn’t a part of.
When people say, “Oh, I love that song!!!” and then attempt to sing and get the lyrics wrong, it drives me bonkers. So I start to sing their favorite song louder than them to correct the lyrics and help them follow along to the song they love. I also do this at karaoke to help the singers. I’m very popular.
I don’t worry about the present, I worry about the future. Like five years from now. It gives me anxiety attacks. I get anxiety attacks about my future mortgage payments and what school to get my, as of yet, unscheduled and un-had children in. Knowing that this is stupid and irrational doesn’t help anything. Please pass the paper bag.
I check my email and what not periodically throughout the day. If someone JUST sent an email as I’m going through my checking in phase, I debate if I should respond so I don’t look too finicky or eager.
When I was in middle school, I was voted class clown. (Didn’t see that one coming, huh?) My mother was so disappointed that she went to my school to attempt to change the title to something like, “Funny Girl.” It didn’t fly, so my mom didn’t allow me to be the class clown. And the original male class clown had just gotten expelled for…wait for it…wait for it…peeing in the corner of Foods class with Mrs. Tutt. So both of the OG class clowns had stepped down. They had to do a recount. I think about that a lot. My mom was much happier when in high school I was voted most likely to appear on Saturday Night Live. There was no debate there
I listen to “guilty pleasure” music without an ounce of guilt and with the utmost of pleasure.
I procrastinate and write other things rather than write what I need to read in front of 300 people. Natasha…go write what is important…
Monday, January 14, 2008
I do believe the term is liquid courage...
I bruise remarkably easy. And not cute little baby bruises either, I mean those wondrous bruises that contain many different colors AND change colors AND have a physical bump under as well. I’m essentially a peach. So, it’s not noteworthy if I wake up one day and see a bruise that I have no idea where it came from. These sneaky bruises are now part of a daily experience and not striking. Now… I don’t know how normal people who don’t bruise as easily react when they see bruises, but I’m pretty sure it would be like the reaction I had this morning looking in the mirror.
Here’s the tiny back-story: Yesterday my roommate and I went to a pub-crawl F-Cancer beer drinking fest. I had stopped drinking beer recently (for no reason…or at least none that I can remember) and forgot how loud and friendly I was! I also saw someone from high school…that I didn’t recognize and looked like an ass…I need to go to the moon. So, being in this altered state brought my roommate and I to a party for one of our friends. At the party there was a girl that I knew, but had not spoken to in a while. This is where things start getting a little hazy and I am piecing the actual story with pictures that were taken at the time. At some point during the party, I decided that I needed bangs and that I needed them that night. And the girl that I was speaking to was a hair gal so by placing one and one together, I figured out three and ran with it. We documented the whole thing on her digital camera. I went into the restroom looking like me and came out looking like a hipster 16 year old. The girl that did it kept reiterating how awesome I am (like I didn’t know that!) and my roommate couldn’t get over the fact that this is what happens at parties I go to. I’m just glad there was no tattoo or piercing place near by. Lord knows what I would have done.
Flash forward to this morning: wake up, go to the restroom, wash face, FINALLY look in mirror and do a double take. I actually looked behind me, as though I had forgotten how mirrors worked. Thank God it’s cute and grows back. And at least I have a story. And this is my new favorite video of all time. Until next week, probably. I can only imagine how my hair will look then.
Here’s the tiny back-story: Yesterday my roommate and I went to a pub-crawl F-Cancer beer drinking fest. I had stopped drinking beer recently (for no reason…or at least none that I can remember) and forgot how loud and friendly I was! I also saw someone from high school…that I didn’t recognize and looked like an ass…I need to go to the moon. So, being in this altered state brought my roommate and I to a party for one of our friends. At the party there was a girl that I knew, but had not spoken to in a while. This is where things start getting a little hazy and I am piecing the actual story with pictures that were taken at the time. At some point during the party, I decided that I needed bangs and that I needed them that night. And the girl that I was speaking to was a hair gal so by placing one and one together, I figured out three and ran with it. We documented the whole thing on her digital camera. I went into the restroom looking like me and came out looking like a hipster 16 year old. The girl that did it kept reiterating how awesome I am (like I didn’t know that!) and my roommate couldn’t get over the fact that this is what happens at parties I go to. I’m just glad there was no tattoo or piercing place near by. Lord knows what I would have done.
Flash forward to this morning: wake up, go to the restroom, wash face, FINALLY look in mirror and do a double take. I actually looked behind me, as though I had forgotten how mirrors worked. Thank God it’s cute and grows back. And at least I have a story. And this is my new favorite video of all time. Until next week, probably. I can only imagine how my hair will look then.
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