Feed Us Too!!!

I want to go to the zoo. One of my friends says she will go with me, but she's a veggie, so I'm fairly certain she wont play my favorite zoo game, "Which animal do you think we should have for dinner?" (One time I went to Sea World and the smell made me so...hungry. So when the day was over I went to the information desk to ask where the nearest sushi place was. I wish that was a joke.) I told her that when I was little I LOVED the zoo. One time I brought my monkey puppet to the zoo. (I had a monkey puppet. It had a squeaky voice thing too! Damn I miss that monkey) So, anyway, I brought my monkey friend and in front of the monkey section, I pretended to feed it a banana. All the monkeys went wild, but in my head they were all crying cause they wanted me to feed them a banana too. I told this to my friend...she said I was a little jerk. I told her she was a little jealous. I think we're both kind of right. But mine is funnier.
How can I finagle a Jeff Buckley video in here? WAIT!!! I so know. In the original video to this song, they have monkeys that steal bikes. But I like this version better. I love him. But I’m afraid to love him.

Internet Killed the Video Star

Is it wrong that I think this video is so amazing that I'm happy they didn't get the moonman and taint their name? Let's go dancing!

She Should Have Been More Specific

When I was about 20, I went through a break-up. It wasn’t horrible, but it was enough to make me cry. So I called one of my best friends who happens to be a gay male for comfort. You know, tell me how fierce I am, tell me I’m better off without him, and sing to me. My friends and I sing to each other. What? You don’t? So he started to sing “My Cherie Amour” by Stevie Wonder. This should have worked but it made me start crying harder instead. Perplexed, he asked me what was wrong, “What happened? I’m trying to cheer you up.” In between sobs I explained,” I always wanted a guy I loved and who loved me back to sing that to me…but now I realize I should have been more specific!!!”
When I was little, my mom used to sing “Forever Young,” by Rod Stewart to me. I think she was thinking the exact same sentiment of being more specific when I showed her my awesome new purchase…BEHOLD!


It's also a voice changer. Autobots, roll out!

Every Single Year!

Halloween is coming. Yeah, I know I’m more than a month early, but you should have seen how ridiculous this conversation was in June!!! So every year at about this time I start flipping out about what I want to be for Halloween. Do I have plans yet? Of course not! But I do know that I want to blow people away. I was talking to a friend of mine about this and thankfully she gets how this is a big deal, so she indulged me. We both decided that I could never be one of those slutty policeman/ fireman /chef /nurse/ baseball player / whatever. Those costumes are so painfully lame and lack any kind of originality that it has never been an option for me. My dream costume is the Bjork swan dress. I mean, I have had dreams about it! Last year I was Bjork, but it was from the Joga video. Bjork is my Madonna. But more…Icelandic.
Growing up I always had awkward costumes. In seventh grade I was the president of the “ I Love Gumby Satanic Cult.” I still don’t understand that one entirely. I was also a dead cheerleader. One of my friend’s brothers was working on special effects makeup and used prosthesis and coagulated blood. People couldn’t eat their pizza around us. It was awesome! As I got older, I started to do characters. Senior year of high school I was Death from the Sandman comics. Not a lot of people got that. A couple years ago I was a one-night stand. I had a lampshade on my head. That was it, just a lampshade. I was casting shadows of doubt everywhere. ( BA-ZING!) One year I went as Miette from City of Lost Children. Let me tell you about a costume NO ONE got! Even after the explanation! Then I was Jackie O, but as done by Parker Posey in The House of Yes. I was asked why I didn’t just go as Jackie O as done by Jackie O. Well, because that wouldn’t have been fun, duh. When I was at the middle school, I decided to go as myself from when I was a teenager. I had my hair in a pompadour, my shiny red docs, cuffed 501’s and a Morrissey shirt. Any time someone would come up to me and ask me a question, I screamed back “You don’t understand me!!!” That went over well with the kiddos. They got to see their future, ‘cause Morrissey spans generations. I wear black on the outside, cause black is how I feel on the inside…
Ok, so this brings us now to this morning. I realized I want to be a gorilla! I would totally be warm, there isn’t a lot of prep, (maybe practice grunting?) and I would be the belle of the ball! A big, hairy, menacing belle. Hide your bananas! Here comes Natasha!

Indiana Was My Dog

Sometimes, I decide to live my life like a scene in a movie. I don’t know if it’s because I like to tell the stories later, or the things I do seem like good ideas at the time, but I just do random things. Case in point, yesterday I went to a friend’s house to get ready for a meeting. He lives in a condo, and to get into the underground guest parking area, you need to get buzzed in. The buzzer is also on the right hand side of the sloping driveway, so you HAVE to get out of the car to access it. As I pull into the driveway, I turn my car off, pull up the emergency brake, and get out. Just as I am doing so a car comes up behind me to either use the car buzzer doohickey or just come down behind me to the guest lot. I know they don’t live in the building because they just would have gone on ahead of me. At the same time that all of this is going on, a car from within the building is leaving. His departure just negated the buzz I just received from my friend, therefore shortening the amount of time to get in the building. As I see all this happening, I have a decision to make, do I floor it or do I just buzz again? Mind you, this is all taking 30 seconds. I decide to make a run for it. I literally run back into my car, slam the door shut, turn on the car, release the emergency brake, and jam on the gas in a move that can only be classified as ridiculously fluid. I maneuvered my car in such a way that I got inside the parking area with only a third of the gate open. A lesser man would have been killed. The guy behind me also attempts to come in the gate with this miniscule buzz. Little does he know he is not I, Master of All Things Awesome. As the gate came to a close with the guy that was behind me now separated by bars of metal, I could only do two things: hum the theme song from Indiana Jones and reach back for my hat.

My Jem Story

When I was little, I had an unhealthy obsession with Jem. She was the owner of an orphanage (her father died and she inherited it. What? It could happen!) Well, let me rephrase. Jerrica was the owner of the orphanage, but Jem was her hologram self as a rock singer. Jem and Jerrica were the same person. Jerrica had an orphanage filled with kids, and Jem was a fucking rock chick that had pink hair and was in a rock band and had star earring and was a hologram. Show time, Synergy!

One night, when I was about 6 or so, I had a kick ass dream that I had a Jem doll. In the dream, Jem and I went around town, sang in hardcore clubs with punks (I was a little too knowledgeable a child about the punk culture…) and got into fights with the Misfits. Not the Glen Danzig band, but the Jem and the Holograms rival band. Jem was so cool she had a rival band!

All was well and good until I woke up. It was time for school and I was so ready to bring Jem with me to show off to the bastard losers at school. The second I opened my eyes, and realized it was a dream and there was no doll, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. A profound loss even. It was as though someone had told me that everyone I knew had died, and before they died, they all said they thought I was ugly. There was nothing worse…ever! So I immediately start crying. The wail of a thousand banshee’s all coming out of my little mouth. My mom came running in thinking I was injured. When she asked what was wrong, I was already hyperventilating. I needed a paper bags to breath into. Finally, when I calmed down, and was able to speak, my mom asked me what was wrong. Telling her I had a dream about a doll and was devastated that I didn’t have the doll in waking life was sooo the wrong thing to say. She could not stop laughing. I never got that doll. And I never fully healed, either. Thanks mom, thanks a lot.

Love me, love my ninja like skills

Sometimes, when an awkward moment rears its ugly head, I take drastic measures to put the kibosh on it. Case in point, in a galaxy far far away and a time long long ago (last year in Encino) I was seeing someone. And no matter how long we were together, there were still awkward silences. Well, this special fact always bothered me, and one day I had had it. We were sitting on his couch and watching a movie of no importance. (probably something about teenagers trying to lose their virginity by the end of summer, he liked those.) I think we had also just had a little tiff. The only reason I think that is because we weren’t sitting close to each other. I’m just laying out the scene for you, geesh! It was a hot lazy day and all of the remotes for the TV, DVD player, VCR, and whatever else were strewn about the coffee table. Well, one remote, the heaviest of all the remotes, was haphazardly teetering on the table. There were two things I could have done since the remote caught my eye and wouldn’t let go: A) push it back onto the safety of the table, or B) be awesome. I of course chose the latter. Since the guy was completely engrossed in the film, it wasn’t hard to be stealthy, but it was going to be hard to get noticed. During a pivotal scene in the fifth act with two teenagers dry humping each other, I slowly extended my leg off the couch and proceeded to lock my knee. I brought my missile of a leg directly over the remote control, and raised it about 6 inches in the air. Then, with a noise that can only be described as me breaking the sound barrier, I brought my leg crashing down, hit the remote and made it fly off the table and into the sliding glass window. The window shook a bit and generated a glass like wail that in window speak means, ” holy shit!” At once I had a smile and look of accomplishment that only the astronauts have. I turned to him for a nod of excitement. I was instead met with a frowny face that bordered on a “what the fuck” face. Never one to back down, I said that he was just mad jealous of my ninja like skills. He told me that in fact he was not jealous but concerned with the window. After I showed him the window and insisted that it was fine, he was more than a little eager to try. Poor guy, he never did make that remote control fly…but it did kill the awkward silence.

My business proposal

Rent-a-Baby

How many times have you ever gone to the park and thought to yourself, “ This would be so much more fun if I had a little toddler with me to push on the swings and buy ice cream for.” Well, if you’re like millions of others, the number of times would be a lot. But in this day and age, what with careers and impending responsibilities, a lot of us can’t very well put our lives on hold to care for the well being of another human. The world has changed. We cannot be as lax and carefree as our parents were. Having babies to achieve a sense of fulfillment is simply not in the cards for us anymore. But that shouldn’t mean that we should not be able to reap the benefits of holding a child in our arms. And thanks to Rent-a-Baby, we no longer have to deprive ourselves.

People of today are too busy to settle down early. In fact, we no longer “settle” for anything. This is what keeps our society as productive as it has been. But thanks to our partnership with local orphanages all around the greater metropolitan areas, we are able to bring you fresh babies with no added stretch marks to you. But the best part about Rent-a-Baby is all in the title…you can rent the baby, not own the baby.

The benefits of Rent-a-Baby are easily identifiable and understood. For you: a little baby, a release of embarrassment (how many baby showers have you gone to and been the only one without a baby? Doesn’t feel so nice, huh?) And a sense of entitlement that money can’t buy when going to movies and toy stores you know you are too old for. For the baby: exposure to all types of cultures and people, they become independent and knowledgeable members of tomorrow, and if you are in the mindset of owning a baby, you will be able to have them on a trial bases to see if you two mesh. Much like leasing a car, Rent-a-Baby babies may be then purchased.

In order to rent a baby through our (patent pending) Rent-a-Baby program, of course there are rules and regulations. For starters, we have a very diligent background check that every applicant needs to fulfill and pass before even glimpsing a leg of a cute and chubby baby. The background check includes: past convictions (if you robbed a back, you can just stop reading from here), driving tickets (we don’t want our babies with reckless drivers) and of course, if you are registered with Megan’s Law, I suggest you stop reading (sicko) and look into one of our affiliates. Possibly Rent-a-Plant.

In addition to the background check, we must insist upon a mandatory donation of $8,000. This money goes directly to the babies’ welfare when not being rented out. It also is used for the upkeep of their living facilities as well as making sure our background check provider is top of the line. (The reason we call this a donation is because you cannot legally buy, sell, or rent a human being in the United States today. But we are working on repealing that law)

Now, how can we make sure Rent-a-Baby doesn’t becomes Steal-a-Baby? This is where collateral comes in. Unlike many things in our past that we have come to rent, an ID is just not going to cut it. We have devised a GPS tracking device that is going to be installed in your shoulder (just a simple shot, not a lot of blood loss) that is going to be identical to the baby’s permanent tracking device. This is so we are able to track our babies down in the event of an emergency. If you do not return the baby within the allotted 6-hour span, we WILL come after you and take every measure necessary to punish you to the full extent of the law. That usually requires 4 years jail time (though we are working on repealing that law as well, and make it mandatory execution.)

In order to see if our babies will enjoy your company, we have one of the most intensive interviewing programs in the United States. (Dubai beat us by three, but we are working on repealing the law that makes Dubai competition) our interview will consist of how many baby games you know, do you know how to change a diaper, how to get a baby to stop crying, and many more that we cannot discuss because our test is also patent pending. This is to make sure that once the baby is in your hands, you will be able to handle any situation our babies may put you through. Though they are (for the most part) trained professionals, sometimes unforeseen circumstances occur, like a boogy man or lizard. We here at Rent-a-Baby understand that, and try to make sure we are putting our babies in qualified hands.

In order to pick up your rented baby, you need to show proof of the following items: Two packs of Huggies brand diapers (our babies deserve the very best), Gerber baby cereal, solids or formula (depending on your babies age), and a top loading, convertible, rear facing car seats (we don’t want a Britney Spears incident, rest her soul.) We do not supply you with these items because we here at Rent-a-Baby need to make sure that you, the client, is serious about taking care of a child. And we have found in the past (through many unfortunate events that one can only hope to learn from) that if we make the client an active participant in the nuances of taking care of the child, as opposed to just handing out what needs to be used, the client takes better care of the child. That being said, we rent out the above items for an additional fee of fifty dollars.

In order to not make certain babies feel left out because of their “unique” looks, we rent babies based on a baby lottery that way every baby will be rented out. But if you are a member of Rent-A-Baby and have a particular baby that you have grown to enjoy, you are eligible to rent the same baby.

Our babies vary in age from 3 months- 3 years. If you decide that our babies are too young for you, make sure to also stop by our affiliates Rent-a-Child, Rent-a Teenager, and the ever-popular Rent-a-Senior Citizen. We here at Rent-a-Baby hope you find the baby that makes you feel like a kid again!

Numero Uno

Every year since I was a teeny tiny ball of awesome, my parents and I have gone to the county fair. If you have never gone, I don’t know what life is like for you, and you should go…but with someone who knows what’s up. You think you already know what’s up, huh? Oh yeah, well then where is the 15 foot alligator? Do you know where you are able to go beer tasting and the “bartender” actually give you fresh hops? Or how about where you can win a steak? And a pretty darn good steak at that!

Ok, so I’ve gone so much, I know the ins and out better than probably anybody you have ever met. It’s a gift. But, on of my absolute favorite things about the fair is the ridiculous food. This goes way beyond turkey legs and cotton candy. This is straight up either deep-fried or on a stick cuisine! And being that I have a date with my parents this weekend to go to the fair, I have looked up the menu and, yes, I am excited.

CHEESECAKE ON A STICK (yes please)

CHEESE ON A STICK (don’t they do this for samples?)

CREAM PUFFS ON A STICK (Wild horses couldn’t keep me away)

EGGROLL ON A STICK (I’ve done it)

CHICKEN ON A STICK (my nickname in grade school)

GINGERBREAD MAN ON A STICK (I will catch you!)

HOT LINKS ON A STICK (meh)

HOTDOG ON A STICK (been there, done that)

KEY LIME PIE BAR ON A STICK(has someone been reading my diary?)

MEATBALL ON A STICK (meh)

PORK & CHICKEN ON A STICK (together, the way God intended)

PORK CHOP ON A STICK (Apple sauce too? That would be awesome)

SHRIMP ON A STICK (the way mermaids eat)

TERIYAKI BEEF ON A STICK (this is a skewer…poser)

TERIYAKI CHICKEN ON A STICK (this is a skewer…poser chicken bastard)

DEEP FRIED AVOCADO BITES (Hot guacamole?)

DEEP FRIED CHEESECAKE (put it on a stick!)

DEEP FRIED COCA COLA (um, is this possible?)

DEEP FRIED COOKIE DOUGH (biggest loser, here I come!)

DEEP FRIED ELVIS (ummmmm, wha????)

DEEP FRIED GREEN OLIVES STUFFED W/GARLIC (hey, wanna make out?)

DEEP FRIED MUSHROOMS (been there, yum that)

DEEP FRIED OREOS (can I dunk it in fried milk?)

DEEP FRIED PICKLES/ OLIVES COMBO ((must be breaded)

DEEP FRIED SNICKERS (had it…gooey comes to mind)

DEEP FRIED TWINKIE (always wanted it, never had it)

DEEP FRIED WAFFLES (OMG, I can eat this with chicken on a stick and have my own Rosco’s adventure!)

DEEP FRIED ZUCCHINI (doesn’t Carl’s Jr. have these?)