Consider yourself warned.

Have you ever watched or listened to something somewhere where you knew no good can come out of it because you'll laugh? Or what's worse/lamer is when you just remember a funny thing? I distinctly remember being in 8th grade and constantly recalling what happened during lunch or whatever and having to put my head down in class and just shake uncontrollably, desperatly trying to calm down and catch my breath. This dumb habit has stuck with me. I remember being in a Pro-Tools class battling with some guy next to me, making faces at each other JUST to make the other person laugh. We found out the best way to stop laughing was to pinch your nose and just stop breathing. It gives you time to cool down and revert your attention to what you needed to pay attention to in the first place. The whole lack of oxygen to the brain thing really makes you think, ironically enough. Ok, so now comes today. I get an email. I click. I end up not only hunched over and shaking, I started desperatly trying to clutch my nose and then my mouth. When that didn't work, I actually tried to strangle myself. I was in such a bad, painful laugh I thought if I try to inflict injury, it will divert my attention. No such luck. Now I'm bruised on my inner arms. And I will never click on an email link again...yeah right. Who am I kidding? I love crap like this.

Every Single Year!

Halloween is coming. Yeah, I know I’m more than a month early, but you should have seen how ridiculous this conversation was in June!!! So every year at about this time I start flipping out about what I want to be for Halloween. Do I have plans yet? Of course not! But I do know that I want to blow people away. I was talking to a friend of mine about this and thankfully she gets how this is a big deal, so she indulged me. We both decided that I could never be one of those slutty policeman/ fireman /chef /nurse/ baseball player / whatever. Those costumes are so painfully lame and lack any kind of originality that it has never been an option for me. My dream costume is the Bjork swan dress. I mean, I have had dreams about it! Last year I was Bjork, but it was from the Joga video. Bjork is my Madonna. But more…Icelandic.
Growing up I always had awkward costumes. In seventh grade I was the president of the “ I Love Gumby Satanic Cult.” I still don’t understand that one entirely. I was also a dead cheerleader. One of my friend’s brothers was working on special effects makeup and used prosthesis and coagulated blood. People couldn’t eat their pizza around us. It was awesome! As I got older, I started to do characters. Senior year of high school I was Death from the Sandman comics. Not a lot of people got that. A couple years ago I was a one-night stand. I had a lampshade on my head. That was it, just a lampshade. I was casting shadows of doubt everywhere. ( BA-ZING!) One year I went as Miette from City of Lost Children. Let me tell you about a costume NO ONE got! Even after the explanation! Then I was Jackie O, but as done by Parker Posey in The House of Yes. I was asked why I didn’t just go as Jackie O as done by Jackie O. Well, because that wouldn’t have been fun, duh. When I was at the middle school, I decided to go as myself from when I was a teenager. I had my hair in a pompadour, my shiny red docs, cuffed 501’s and a Morrissey shirt. Any time someone would come up to me and ask me a question, I screamed back “You don’t understand me!!!” That went over well with the kiddos. They got to see their future, ‘cause Morrissey spans generations. I wear black on the outside, cause black is how I feel on the inside…
Ok, so this brings us now to this morning. I realized I want to be a gorilla! I would totally be warm, there isn’t a lot of prep, (maybe practice grunting?) and I would be the belle of the ball! A big, hairy, menacing belle. Hide your bananas! Here comes Natasha!