My business proposal

Rent-a-Baby

How many times have you ever gone to the park and thought to yourself, “ This would be so much more fun if I had a little toddler with me to push on the swings and buy ice cream for.” Well, if you’re like millions of others, the number of times would be a lot. But in this day and age, what with careers and impending responsibilities, a lot of us can’t very well put our lives on hold to care for the well being of another human. The world has changed. We cannot be as lax and carefree as our parents were. Having babies to achieve a sense of fulfillment is simply not in the cards for us anymore. But that shouldn’t mean that we should not be able to reap the benefits of holding a child in our arms. And thanks to Rent-a-Baby, we no longer have to deprive ourselves.

People of today are too busy to settle down early. In fact, we no longer “settle” for anything. This is what keeps our society as productive as it has been. But thanks to our partnership with local orphanages all around the greater metropolitan areas, we are able to bring you fresh babies with no added stretch marks to you. But the best part about Rent-a-Baby is all in the title…you can rent the baby, not own the baby.

The benefits of Rent-a-Baby are easily identifiable and understood. For you: a little baby, a release of embarrassment (how many baby showers have you gone to and been the only one without a baby? Doesn’t feel so nice, huh?) And a sense of entitlement that money can’t buy when going to movies and toy stores you know you are too old for. For the baby: exposure to all types of cultures and people, they become independent and knowledgeable members of tomorrow, and if you are in the mindset of owning a baby, you will be able to have them on a trial bases to see if you two mesh. Much like leasing a car, Rent-a-Baby babies may be then purchased.

In order to rent a baby through our (patent pending) Rent-a-Baby program, of course there are rules and regulations. For starters, we have a very diligent background check that every applicant needs to fulfill and pass before even glimpsing a leg of a cute and chubby baby. The background check includes: past convictions (if you robbed a back, you can just stop reading from here), driving tickets (we don’t want our babies with reckless drivers) and of course, if you are registered with Megan’s Law, I suggest you stop reading (sicko) and look into one of our affiliates. Possibly Rent-a-Plant.

In addition to the background check, we must insist upon a mandatory donation of $8,000. This money goes directly to the babies’ welfare when not being rented out. It also is used for the upkeep of their living facilities as well as making sure our background check provider is top of the line. (The reason we call this a donation is because you cannot legally buy, sell, or rent a human being in the United States today. But we are working on repealing that law)

Now, how can we make sure Rent-a-Baby doesn’t becomes Steal-a-Baby? This is where collateral comes in. Unlike many things in our past that we have come to rent, an ID is just not going to cut it. We have devised a GPS tracking device that is going to be installed in your shoulder (just a simple shot, not a lot of blood loss) that is going to be identical to the baby’s permanent tracking device. This is so we are able to track our babies down in the event of an emergency. If you do not return the baby within the allotted 6-hour span, we WILL come after you and take every measure necessary to punish you to the full extent of the law. That usually requires 4 years jail time (though we are working on repealing that law as well, and make it mandatory execution.)

In order to see if our babies will enjoy your company, we have one of the most intensive interviewing programs in the United States. (Dubai beat us by three, but we are working on repealing the law that makes Dubai competition) our interview will consist of how many baby games you know, do you know how to change a diaper, how to get a baby to stop crying, and many more that we cannot discuss because our test is also patent pending. This is to make sure that once the baby is in your hands, you will be able to handle any situation our babies may put you through. Though they are (for the most part) trained professionals, sometimes unforeseen circumstances occur, like a boogy man or lizard. We here at Rent-a-Baby understand that, and try to make sure we are putting our babies in qualified hands.

In order to pick up your rented baby, you need to show proof of the following items: Two packs of Huggies brand diapers (our babies deserve the very best), Gerber baby cereal, solids or formula (depending on your babies age), and a top loading, convertible, rear facing car seats (we don’t want a Britney Spears incident, rest her soul.) We do not supply you with these items because we here at Rent-a-Baby need to make sure that you, the client, is serious about taking care of a child. And we have found in the past (through many unfortunate events that one can only hope to learn from) that if we make the client an active participant in the nuances of taking care of the child, as opposed to just handing out what needs to be used, the client takes better care of the child. That being said, we rent out the above items for an additional fee of fifty dollars.

In order to not make certain babies feel left out because of their “unique” looks, we rent babies based on a baby lottery that way every baby will be rented out. But if you are a member of Rent-A-Baby and have a particular baby that you have grown to enjoy, you are eligible to rent the same baby.

Our babies vary in age from 3 months- 3 years. If you decide that our babies are too young for you, make sure to also stop by our affiliates Rent-a-Child, Rent-a Teenager, and the ever-popular Rent-a-Senior Citizen. We here at Rent-a-Baby hope you find the baby that makes you feel like a kid again!